Christina 的个人资料My Crazy Life - Such Une...照片日志列表更多  |  工具 帮助 |
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My Crazy Life - Such Unexpected TurnsHow do I sort it all out?
2009/7/27 Yep, it's me!Ahhhh .... hello there! I've been quite a stranger, have I not? Life passes by ... so much happening, a new routine to follow, a new person in the household, a new puppy too, so much to learn, mostly about myself.
The past few months has been introspective to say the least. 2009/1/23 Where to Start?Oh my goodness! I haven't written anything in quite awhile. I think about it but then get distracted. So much has happened in the past couple of months and I have no idea where to begin. It's all been running around in my mind and it's time to get it out.
First off, the boys' dad is doing good. He is recovering and has already lost so much weight. The doctors say they caught it in time and he won't need any chemotherapy. They won't release him to go back to work for a year though. JC did go with Angel and I to see him in the hospital. He even went to see him on Christmas day! Not much communication since. Not because his dad hasn't tried. JC just doesn't feel the need right now. I tell his dad maybe someday but he's not ready yet. Give him his space and maybe he'll come around. Their dad has been spending a few hours with Angel on Saturdays after bowling which is nice. Gives me a few hours to myself and that's really about all Angel wants right now too. Just a little bit of time with his dad.
Secondly, my sister's marriage has fallen apart. It had been for awhile actually. She finally gave up though and has filed for divorce. My brother in law acts like he never saw it coming. Like they were the happiest couple ever. I have been a witness to their entire marriage and I for one know that they spent most of their time upset with each other. Not to say there weren't happy times. There were. But many many more unhappy ones. I have tried for years to help them. Many times they would come to me when one was upset with the other; to talk; to vent; for advice. I did my best. A few years ago they tried counseling but didn't follow through with it. I am saddened by this and kind of feel like I'm getting a divorce too. I have been so much a part of their lives all these 10 years. My brother in law is extremely hurt and is doing things that he doesn't realize he's doing. They can no longer communicate with each other and I have had to mediate. It just SUCKS! I've ended up in the middle, torn. The kids are doing ok. They see the school counselor once a week. They are sad of course but they know that their parents love them. The custody situation is now a hot topic. I believe the time is going to be equal parenting time. Which, I think, is rough. Three and a half days with one, three and a half days with the other. Ay, ay, ay!
Thirdly, after pretty much giving up, I have met someone. A few months ago I had a talk with the Man upstairs. I basically said that I would like a companion but I was giving up. If it was His will, then great. If not, then so be it. A week before Christmas I started communicating with someone online and we hit it off. His profile pic was one of him with an old restored car showing the shiny chrome engine. Because of my past, being raised around cars, I sent him a message saying hello and asking about the car. And that's how it all started. Not even thinking anything would come of me asking about the car! LOL He is a master technician and has an automotive repair business. We've talked every day since and see each other a couple of times a week. Pretty crazy, huh?! We practice the same faith and attended service together a couple of weeks ago. That was nice. All these years attending alone (well the kids & I), I liked having him there with me. He is so different from the last man I was dating. Very easy to talk to. Not struggling to have a conversation with him. He's not distant with me. He is genuine and sincere. He's had his problems in the past so no he's not perfect. Neither am I. We've both had our hearts torn out and don't want to go through that again. I have to admit I have completely fallen head over heels for him! When I first realized it, I was scared to death. I'm not anymore though. It's a risk worth taking. He feels the same. One night at dinner, he was talking to me and something strange happened. I could see him moving his lips, but I didn't quite hear him. Then a calmness overcame me and a moment of clarity hit me. It was as though the Man above said to me, "Here he is". It was like a divine intervention moment. That's the best I can describe it.
Needless to say this is a crazy, struggling, mind blowing time for me. A healing relationship with my ex, an ending relationship for my sister and brother in law and a new relationship for me. My sister can't believe now that she will be single, I have gone and gotten myself into a relationship! LOL What nerve I have!! I told her the Man upstairs probably didn't think we should be single at the same time! HeeHee
 2008/11/26 A little too late?Better late than never is what they say. Only my eldest would disagree. When it comes to his dad that is. His dad keeps asking for him. He is all he speaks of. That he needs to make things right with him. He hopes that he can make things right with him. I'm not so sure my son will allow it. I've expressed to my son his dad's wish for a reconciliation. He just looks at me and shakes his head. Doesn't say a word. I can't say I blame him. So much hurting. I don't know if my son can let it go. I don't know if he even wants to. I don't know if he's ready. I can only hope someday he can let it go. 2008/11/25 A DiagnosisMy ex was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. My mouth dropped open when he informed me. My immediate thought was not just cancer, but pancreatic cancer, something that is known to be terminal. The doctors were dumbfounded, it's not something that usually occurs in someone at his age. They were hoping they caught it early enough. If not, they would close him back up and send him on his way. His surgery was yesterday. It lasted 12 hours. Apparently they caught it early enough since they proceeded with the surgery. When taking out his pancreas, they noticed 2 more tumors. In doing the surgery, they removed his pancreas, his gall bladder and half his stomach. Two tubes were left in for draining and one for feeding. He has quite a road to recovery ahead of him. His wife informed me he would be in quite a bit of pain today. I'm not sure when I'll take the boys to see him. Tomorrow or Thursday.
Which leads me to the boys. Since the relationship with my oldest and his dad has been somewhat estranged, I don't really know how this has affected him. He has always been someone who keeps everything inside. I imagine he might feel a little like I do. Sad that this has happened but not for himself. All I told Angel was that his dad was going in for surgery on his stomach and he'd be in the hospital. All the while keeping my fingers crossed that the surgery would occur and that I wouldn't have to explain to Angel that his dad was going to die.
At this point all I can do is say a prayer for my children's father and hope for the best. Be thankful they were able to do the surgery and show my support by taking my youngest to visit with his dad. 2008/11/24 Surreal ... that's the word that comes to mind.
Yet nothing could've prepared me for what he had to tell me. Because he called, I knew it probably wasn't good but was not expecting that. I struggled on how was I going to tell the kids. My stomach was in knots. How do you explain something like that to a 10 year old? I'm struggling now as I try to get this out. It's not that I really feel anything. I feel kind of numb. I feel sad for my kids but I don't really feel anything for myself. I wouldn't wish what he's now going through on anyone, don't get me wrong. But I don't feel sad for me ... only for my kids, for his kids, for him, for his wife.
Surreal, yes, that's the word that comes to mind. |
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